it's like looking at something but you don't know what
by Canadino
Summary: Boys being cruel. HaruRin, MakoNagi


1.

They're so good for each other, they're bad. That's what Rin likes to think.

_i want to see u_, Haru texts him one afternoon.

_sure thing_, Rin texts back, and doesn't show up at all.

[=]

There's something about being a teenager that Haru really likes and hates and it's the feeling of pure carelessness. When he was twelve, he thought the world was ideal. When he was fourteen, he thought the world was fair. At seventeen, he's just waiting for the world to end.

"Fuck you, you know," he says to Rin, his voice unbothered and naturally low. "Fuck you and fuck you again."

"Is that the only word you know?" Rin asks and slams the door in his face.

[=]

It starts with an undeniable attraction and ends with an undeniable attraction, except it doesn't really ever end. Rin doesn't think he'll ever stop wanting to kiss Haru no matter what they say about these things ending and no one in love in high school stays in love.

"I'm afraid I'll fall out of like with you," Rin confesses, switching out love at the very last minute. Haru is straddling his lap and has his hands around his neck and is kissing hickeys into his jaw and for a moment, the hands around his neck contract.

"Then don't," Haru says.

[=]

"It's not that easy, not like you can just say that and it'll work out like that," Rin protests, exasperated and frustrated that Haru isn't taking him seriously, never taking him seriously. "Feelings change sometimes. I don't want them to, but they might." Suddenly he no longer cares for this, no longer finds Haru's lips on his cheeks endearing. "Get off me. I don't want to make out with you anymore today."

"I don't care," Haru says. "I do."

In the end, Haru fucks him into the chair in the back corner of his house and Rin lets him, sighing and lying back and counts the cracks in the ceiling. The house is taken care of well; there aren't many. He counts them again and again and tries to convince himself he's forgotten how to count.

2.

"Hey, Haru, I really like you. I like you a lot." Except he doesn't, not really. Makoto thinks he might learn to, might slowly unpack and rewrap his feelings for his best friend in the world until he thinks they're the best lovers in the world. Except Haru makes a pretty awful lover. Even he knows that. He's just bored and there's nothing to do and it sounds like something neat to say.

"Cool," Haru says.

[=]

Sometimes Nagisa likes to envision himself like a wonderful, pretty trophy wife always left at home to pine for the mailman or the milkboy from the window in a pretty gingham dress. The only thing is, he has no desire to wear girls' clothes and he only really has eyes for one boy. "Hey, Mako-chan," he chirps, when they're sitting in the last car of the train for the night, him facing the window and taking up three seats and Makoto sitting nicely in just one. "So there's a thing where someone has a crush on an upperclassman but he knows it's useless because the upperclassman has eyes for someone else. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about me. And I'm talking about you."

"Cool," Makoto says.

[=]

Sometimes Rin has this weird, overwhelming urge to kiss Makoto, an almost animalistic urge to climb on that boy and ride him and knock that goofy smile off his face to show that face underneath all the kindness, the face that smirks at him and that says, you really think you're worth our attention? We only pity you, that's all. Usually, when he is face to face with Makoto, the feeling goes away.

"Where's Haru?"

"I would imagine at the pool at school. I haven't seen him. Are you looking for him?"

"All of you are against me," Rin says.

[=]

"Um," Rei says, gingerly, standing on the side of the pool as Haru swims by. Haru stops and treads water, taking off his goggles. "Um. Nagisa told me something. It's kind of vulgar. He says...you stick it into Matsuoka-sempai. Is that true?"

"Stick what into Rin?" Haru asks.

Rei sputters. "You know what I mean."

"I really don't."

Rei pushes his glasses so far up his nose it must be uncomfortable. "Your...your tongue. Is what I mean."

"You're right," Haru says. "You're right in every sense of your question." He puts his goggles back on and swims away.

[=]

"Hey, Mako-chan," Nagisa says, "I'll suck your dick if you want me to."

Makoto stays soft despite Nagisa's efforts and it isn't until he's practically sobbing with frustration, his lips red and raw, and then Makoto gets hard, and he isn't really sure why, he isn't a cruel boy. He suspects he is, though. But if he was cruel, he wouldn't drag Nagisa up, still sniffing with angry tears in his eyes and give him a cool kiss and guides Nagisa's hand to his dick. Nagisa isn't crying anymore when Makoto comes in his hand.

4.

Rin dreams of Haru all the time, and they're usually strange absurdist dreams where Haru is flying above him like a sea bird or he's the voice of the water that comes down from the sky or he pokes his head out from behind the shower curtain at the dorm and asks if anyone is coming even though it is so early there is no chance the lazyasses on his floor will be awake to see an intruder in the communal bathrooms.

(No, wait, that last part wasn't a dream.)

He knows exactly when Haru dreams about him too, because he always receives a call in the middle of the night regardless of time. He suspects maybe Haru doesn't know how to tell time, or if he does, doesn't think of or give any thought to anyone else but himself. He answers and Haru just presses the phone against his head, against his pillow, and is quiet.

[=]

Note: i really am sorry i'm a struggling writer


End file.
